Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Breaking Records

One day, I found myself digging through the "crates" to trace back to a moment when a particular record began playing in my life. It took me a full day but I tracked down that record.As I looked over the record, the memories of when this soundtrack played began to astound me. Every time someone questioned my motives, being or purpose, the music played in my background. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be included. I wanted to be "proven." A long time ago,  I heard the words "You think you are better than" and those "notes" began to write the symphony that became my soundtrack.

I felt like a black sheep.  I struggled to be loved. I began to move in love. I tried to make everyone happy. To no avail, the band played on. Presented with circumstances similar to my past, I relapsed. I was scared. Afraid. During a conversation, I was surprised with one question: "What is it that made you struggle your whole life?" In that I realized that I had created a life of struggling.  Everything manifested itself as a struggle. Life. Finances. Ministry. Spirituality. Love. Everything. All because I needed to prove that I was worthy. That I was okay. BETTER THAN my failures. BETTER THAN someone's opinion. BETTER THAN...what I thought about myself.

I realized that I had not been trying to prove my worth to everyone else...I had been trying to prove it to myself. Each time I played that record, I allowed things -- fear, doubt, lack of faith, lack of trust, questioning -- to create the world in which I was choosing to live. Breaking the record was the only way to change my reality. I had to stop the music!

Now, I live in silence. Yet, I am dancing.

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